Paul Harvey first wrote a commentary with this same title in 1965.
I think it is clearly time for me to update it for 2020.
I’m a God-fearing and God-loving AMERICAN patriot.
I am a Jew who took Jesus Christ as my savior almost 30 years ago.
Today, I feel the devil all around us, like never before in my lifetime…
In any lifetime.
This Coronavirus crisis has the devil’s evil fingerprints all over it.
Not certain I’m right?
If I was the devil, if evil was my middle name, I’d love the Deep State, the corrupt D.C. swamp and most of all, their PR division, the liberal media.
I’d love big government.
I’d love globalists.
I’d love communists, socialists and Marxists- anyone who would put the AMERICAN people in misery and slavery.
I’d dedicate my life to anything and anyone who’d destroy the AMERICAN dream, opportunity and mobility. Because of course, the devil loves misery.
I’d want to enslave the AMERICAN people, ruin their exceptionalism, make them ordinary citizens of a global army of serfs.
I’d want to turn the lives of confident and prosperous Americans, and especially American business owners, into misery and malaise.
I’d want America to be no different than Cuba, or Haiti, or Venezuela, or El Salvador, or any starving country in Africa, or any miserable country anywhere on this globe. Why should America escape my misery and pain?
I’d give my support to anyone who’d take the AMERICAN Dream away.
I’d hate President DONALD J TRUMP.
I’d hate anyone who wants to make America great again.
I’d hate AMERICAN patriots and military veterans and capitalists.
I’d hate first responders. I’d hate anyone who is courageous and does good.
I’d hate business owners who think they are special, who believe in freedom, who think their work ethic and sacrifice have earned them success and prosperity. I’d want to wipe that smirk right off their faces. Id want them to suffer.
To accomplish all this…
I’d want to create a pandemic just like Coronavirus.
It would magically save China’s collapsing economy and prop up their evil communist party.
It would wipe away all of Trump’s magical and miraculous economic achievements of the past 3+ years…in a shocking, depressing, tragic month.
It would crash the stock market; collapse the oil and energy markets; kill tens of millions of jobs; close the entire US economy; shutter millions of small businesses…
Make virtually every American an instant welfare addict and ward of the state; eliminate Trump’s 20,000-person stadium rallies; overwhelm the entire economic system; bring business owners to their knees; reward the Deep State and D.C. Swamp…
Make big government the only option to save a drowning nation, no longer so exceptional…
Make Americans feel powerless and literally turn them into sheep- willing to hide in their homes, accept government telling them if their businesses are “essential” or not; deciding if they can earn a living or not; gain access to a potentially life-saving, anti-malaria drug protocol, or not…
Allow politicians to shred the US Constitution; and increase the surveillance state to levels never before imagined.
Levels like evil communist empires (just like China).
I’d root for a massive overreaction that leaves America shocked, depressed and weakened; and the government’s reaction would be to spend so much money, it would leave America crippled by unimaginable debt for the rest of all time.
And I’d laugh and do a dance to celebrate all the rich and powerful business owners left with nothing, reduced to begging big government to save them.
And you know I hate Christianity more than even America.
I’d create something so vile and frightening, it would close down churches and prevent Easter church services for the first time in the history of America.
And as a bonus, I’d watch government arrest pastors who try to hold church services in defiance of draconian new government rules to stay home. I’d laugh as the “right of assembly” is shredded before our eyes.
And I’d laugh as Americans were so scared and cowering in their homes…they stood by and said nothing.
I’d want a humbled, shocked, weakened, crippled America at the mercy of all of her enemies- China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, Islamic terrorists and Muslim nations angry at our lifelong best friendship with God’s chosen people in Israel.
And as a bonus, I’d want everyone in America not only broke and humbled, but also miserable…
So, I’d eliminate all sports, close down movie theaters, shut down Las Vegas, air travel, cruise ships, cancel all vacations and weddings. There would be no way out- except misery, depression and loneliness.
Sex? All dating is canceled. No one can come within 6 feet.
A nation of fun, wild, colorful outgoing people with bigger than life personalities is now trapped in homes- lonely, bored, scared. Suicides will soar. Drug addiction and alcoholism will soar. Depression will soar.
If I was the Devil, I’d be dancing in hell.
Folks, do you understand now?
We’ve just all met the devil. Coronavirus was his greatest creation yet.
His latest evil creation makes 9-11, and Pearl Harbor, and the 1929 stock crash, and the Great Depression, and the polio epidemic, and the Civil War, and even WWII pale by comparison.
Make no mistake about it. We are under massive attack. This pandemic has the devil’s fingerprints all over it. It’s invisible just like the devil himself.
Our country is in shambles. We are all lying on the canvas. Our faith in God is being tested like never before. Some of us are broken.
These are the moments that break even exceptional people.
But we are America. We are relentless. We are blessed by God. We are backed by God. And yes, we are exceptional.
We still have faith in America and capitalism. We know God is still by our side. We still have faith in our G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) President Donald J Trump.
In Trump we trust. In America we trust. In God we trust.
You will never, never, never, ever defeat America. You win round one. But we know God is in control of this 16-round championship fight. And America will never yield. America will never break. No matter what you throw at us. Screw the devil.
We will fight you to the death. We will fight you from sea to shining sea. We will fight you in New York and Miami and Dallas. We will fight you in Hollywood and Beverly Hills and Vegas and Peoria and Omaha and Washington DC.
We will fight you in the streets, and in the mountains, and in the desert, and on the Vegas Strip, and on the beaches, and at sea.
You cannot beat us. You cannot break us. You can never win. We are America, the greatest nation in world history, ever blessed by God.
You wanted war. You’ve got it! Let’s roll.
God bless America.
Oh and Mr. Devil, one more thing…
KISS OUR ASS.
Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Journal
I posted this the last time I had to have all this fun and so I wanted to be sure to share the fun with you all!
A friend sent me this today in an attempt to cheer me up and break my nervousness over my impending colonoscopy. BUT, I almost don’t need a colonoscopy NOW…..I think I just had one reading this.
ROFLMAO!! OH, I CAN BARELY BREATHE NOW!!
++++++++++++++++++++
This is from newshound Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:
…….I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action -packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of a ll the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ has to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ‘Ha ha, ‘ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
